Mental health awareness week- my story.

I didn’t know whether to even write this article. I was worried that my clients might see me as weak, not want to give me another job or think I couldn’t cope. I guess in part this is why I decided to write it, so that mental health was not considered something which wasn’t normal and which was a weakness. I wanted our post on Mental Health Awareness week not to be an empty message. I also wanted people to know mental health, anxiety and depression are something which I, and everyone at P-THREE, have at the top of our agenda on this week and every other week of the year.

I hope my story has helped in some way to keep breaking down the barrier and stigma which you feel when you don’t feel ‘normal’.

I had never suffered from anxiety or depression before. I was more likely to be the one to say, “Pull yourself together,” and couldn’t understand anyone who didn’t think like I did. This outlook however was about to dramatically change.  

I had just recently gone back to work after my second child. Life was full on and I had been enjoying it but it slowly tipped from being enjoyable to being stressful. I then went on what was meant to be a nice break on a boating holiday. It turns out I hate boats! After four days of feeling seasick I came off the boat with the excitement of solid ground. However, the ground was still moving. I was later diagnosed with Labyrinthitis, an inner-ear disorder affecting your balance. I felt almost constantly dizzy, like the ground was moving underneath my feet. When I walked it felt like I was walking up and down hills when the ground beneath me was flat. I even had to hold onto the side of the shower as I was so unsteady and unbalanced. All this made me feel constantly sick.

Labyrinthitis can also come with extreme side effects including panic attacks, anxiety, heart palpitations and depression. In the days after getting home from our supposed holiday my husband would find me in floods of hysterical tears and unable to breathe. Just the thought of getting the tube and going to work was too much for me to be able to handle. This was the opposite to my normal, confident self. After a few weeks of trying to muddle through and feeling like my world was crumbling around me I took 6 weeks off work.  

By the time I returned to work the dizziness and the feeling of being unbalanced had subsided to a few moments throughout the day. The anxiety however had increased and was impacting my entire life. I had never felt anxious before, so I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me. I took myself to every type of doctor, health shaman or guru out there – anyone who I thought could make this feeling stop. 

I wanted to understand why I felt like this and so, along with seeking help wherever I could find it, I did my own research. I realised that these feelings were, in fact, somewhat normal. Millions of people suffered from feeling like this every day, I just hadn’t realised it. My friends suffered from anxiety and opened up about their struggles. Anxiety is a strange beast. If you don’t know how it feels, it seems completely irrational. When I get caught in these dark vortexes of thoughts going around and around it would be so easy to say, “Just stop thinking about it,” but rational thinking goes out of the window when anxiety reigns.

I learnt that anxiety is the old part of our brain which feeds the fight or flight mechanism. It’s a base instinct which has been honed over millions of years to help us survive. If, for example, a saber-toothed tiger walks into your cave, your brain kicks into a fight or flight response. This creates a surge of adrenaline which changes your breathing to get more oxygen into your body, your heart starts pounding to get this oxygen to your arms and legs, your body temperature goes up and you start sweating, your digestive system shuts down to conserve energy (which would make you feel sick or need to go to the toilet) and your rational thought process switches off. Your brain wouldn’t want you to be weighing up different escape options- it just needs you to run or fight.

This part of the brain is very powerful - it can quickly take over your body. The problem in the modern world is that our brains have got the ‘threat’ muddled up. The threat is now my computer, it’s a busy train, the thought of feeling overwhelmed or travelling abroad. My body doesn’t care what the threat is, it just responds in the same way. Better to be safe than sorry, it thinks. Combined with a vivid imagination, the response is also activated with even the thought of a challenging situation.

It did help the more I understood the origins of why I felt like this but that didn’t stop a long bout of depression. As the years have passed, I have got all of the medical help I could get and I do feel stronger for it.

Some positives have come out of the dark days too. I realised what an amazing support system I have around me. I only needed to speak up and people came running to help. If you are reading this and any of the feelings I’ve felt resonate with you, I would urge you to speak to someone. Millions of people feel like you do and there are so many people who want to help. I have been more focused on what makes me happy- I want to work with people I love, clients I enjoy working with and want to do a good job for, and on projects I truly care about. That led me to set up P-THREE with the most fantastic co-founders I could have ever asked for in Tom and Justin. They are a never-ending source of support and encouragement and we all work to help strengthen each other. Together we have created a company culture which is compassionate, open, and attuned to mental health issues.  I also have bucket loads of empathy for anyone going through any personal struggle. You deserve a medal just for getting through the day.

Whilst I still have some ups and downs, I have learnt to focus on what I enjoy which is being with my husband and two little girls, spending time with my family and friends, gardening- my allotment is a source of endless joy- breathing exercises, meditation, exercise and yoga.

I hope my story has helped in some way to keep breaking down the barrier and stigma which you feel when you don’t feel ‘normal’. Find what makes you happy, talk about it, seek help and it will get better.

Article by Hannah McNamara, Co-founder P-THREE